This week we had all 13 grandchildren (and a few of their parents) over for Sunday dinner. The oldest is just over eleven and the youngest 3 months. After dinner, while the adults finished preparing dessert, we sent the kids outside to play. On a whim I suggested we try an experiment. The results surprised us all.
Is Life Fair?
Anyone with kids has heard “It’s not fair!” – and the unconvincing parental rejoinder of “Life’s not fair” – more times than anyone cares to count. Children seem to catch on, at a very early age, to a very American idea –life should be fundamentally ‘fair’. To a child, this means they should be allowed to stay up as late as a sibling who just happens to be several years older – and it’s unfair when they cannot. Or it means “I should get the same size brownie as everyone else” – which is the subject of the test I proposed.
This philosophy of ‘fairness’ seems to perpetuate itself as children become teenagers and then as they become adults. As adults we express the concept using slightly more sophisticated thoughts. We suggest that all people are ‘equal’. Or at least we contend that people should not be unequal. (If you consider that carefully, being equal and not being unequal are not the same thing.) In a way it’s what we heard with all the recent media attention paid to the experience of Henry Louis Gates Jr. and the Cambridge, Massachusetts police.
The Grand Experiment
Back to my story. “What if,” I asked, “we cut the brownies into small pieces for the kids. We can then cut full size brownies for the adults. Put all the plates on the island in the kitchen and then invite the kids in. How do you think they’ll react?” We agreed it would be interesting to see how the kids reacted to clearly ‘unfair’ portions.
After preparing the obviously smaller portions for the kids (and putting the rest of the brownies out of sight), we invited the children to join us.
My expectations? We’d hear protestations of unfairness. Even if there were no verbal objections, we’d see it in their facial expressions. What could be more unfair, after all, than clearly unequal portions of delicious chocolate brownies? “Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean it’s fair that you get more.”
What I saw and heard, however, humbled me and caused me to wonder if it was I who was unfair – at least in my understanding of my grandchildren’s maturity.
The Experimental Results
As the kids came into the house from playing outside and saw the plates with different size portions…
No reaction. They picked up their smaller portions and started eating. Only one asked why the adults got such larger portions – and it was a much milder protest than I had expected. From the others? Not a complaint. Not a hint of disappointment.
After recovering from our surprise, we brought out the rest of the brownies, told them it had been a ‘test’ and expressed our pride in how they had reacted.
Final Thoughts
The children will probably forget the experience quickly. I doubt the adults will. The lessons? Does it deal with fairness? Does ‘fair’ mean ‘equal’? Is the lesson in our reaction to events over which we clearly have no control? Is it something else? What do you think? Share your thoughts with others.
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Walt,
I enjoyed reading your post and think it provides good food for thought. “Fairness” seems to me to be a relative term. In your example, say the parents made the brownies . . . does that make it “fair” that they get to have a large portion due to the effort they put into making the brownies relative to the children’s lack of effort? I think many of the situations where fairness becomes an issue can be resolved by looking at the relative contributions of all involves. Understanding the efforts of each person tends to diffuse any disagreement that arises based on what is “fair.” Thank you for a thought-provoking post.
-Mike
Walt:
I live just a few miles from you…you didn’t invite ME over for brownies. IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!
I think you make an excellent point, Walt, when you say, “Is the lesson in our reaction to events over which we clearly have no control?” All of us will be “victims” at some point of “unfair” conditions that are beyond our control. The real test is in how we respond to those situations. Do we follow the example of the Savior and accept all things with patience and humility, knowing that He is the ultimate arbiter of justice? Or do we allow our sense of fairness to provoke us to outrage and unrighteous anger?
I am reminded of a film my son and I watched on Sunday night. It was an LDS movie about missionaries in Pennsylvania (”One Man’s Treasure”). In one scene, a heckler drives by and throws a cup of soda at one of the missionaries and yells something nasty. The missionary brushes himself off and calmly announces that he needs to go change his shirt. His companion can’t believe that he has taken this abuse so calmly. “Why aren’t you angry?” he demands. “Because I choose not to be,” replies the first Elder.
Anger is not the proper response to unfairness. This is a lesson we learned from the Savior, and from others who fought righteously against injustice, like Ghandi and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Prophet Joseph Smith and the early Saints. The Lord has promised that those who inflict injustice on others will receive their reward, either in this life or the next. But it is so difficult to leave that judgment to Him. It is so easy to respond to our inner sense of justice and fairness with outrage when we feel slighted. It is much harder to take the higher road; to endure all things “cheerfully and with patience” as did the people of Alma. But if we would be like the Savior, this is what we will -choose- to do. Being slow to anger is a choice. It is the right choice. Your grandchildren seem to have learned this lesson already. It would be wonderful if more of us were like them.
From watching my kids, a small brownie is better than none at all.
A more interesting test is to find a mediocre treat (like cheap animal crackers) and a decadent, luscious treat (like homemade brownies). Serve the cheap treat, and very small portions, to the kids, and large portions of the other to the adults. Watch the reaction then, especially from older children and teenagers.
My 16yo daughter complained the other day that is was unfair that I got the van whenever I wanted but she never got to have it. She wasn’t willing to listen to my reasons. 1- I own the vehicle. It’s mine, therefore I control who drives it when. 2- I need it for work and driving her siblings everywhere (she has 7). 3- It’s a 15 passenger van, it’s HUGE, and despite her confidence in herself, she isn’t experienced or very careful driving. 4- Teenage driver and large vehicle full of friends equals accident and someone gets hurt. Was I unfair to deny her driving privileges in our van? I don’t think so. Her older sister (5 years older) is allowed to drive because she rarely asks and she’s much more mature and capable.
Who determines what is fair and what is not? It depends on the situation and your perspective.
It is how you have raised your children and grandchildren.
They sometimes get out of hand and complain but they do respect their parents and grandparents.
During my early years as a CSR, I was paired with a much older woman who taught me volumes about so many things. One of her favorite responses was “fair is a word for children.”
Thanks for this, it brought a smile to my face thinking about her.
I’ve read your story about the brownies and it made my day!
Two months ago, I’ve been laid off due to restructuring within GE Capital. I’ve worked hard for 4 years and my evaluations always mentioned: “Exceeds expectations”.
I’ve immediately found another job, but since that day, I’ve been asking myself how “fair” this was. Your post made me change my mind about these negative thoughts.
Thanks!
Perhaps the children didn’t protest because they’ve already been “programmed” to accept the disparity inherent in our society. Even at a young age, children can understand that some people get more than others – food, money, opportunity, etc.
Hi Walt,
Enjoyed reading about your experiment. I have always found it interesting that adults equate ‘fairness’ to ‘equal’ and children rarely do – unless there is an adult around.
I remember once that some children landed up at our place without notice and I was in a fix about how I would cater to them as I had a little of this, a little of that and some more of the other – no single item would be sufficient on its own. I braced myself for some arguments when tea time came and was surprised when there was none. What happened was that there was some discussion and they shared out whatever was there quite amicably. I discovered later that they had shared it out according to the need and not according to the size.
So I guess if children are taught the concept of being ‘fair’ to others, then they are not plagued by the need for ‘equality’ as a basis of ‘fairness’ for judging what they have got as their share in any situation.
I believe you may have noticed a much different result if the childrens’ portions were different. The primal competition and establishment of the pecking order would have occurred and more visual display of dissatisfaction and jealousy would have taken place.
Of course none of us would intentionally subject our children or grandchildren to such a test.
I think the idea of kids understanding portions by need and not considering the adults as peers makes a lot of sense. I wonder if they are accostumed to the adults getting larger portions because that is what usually happens at every meal. I remember being amazed at the size of the portions my dad ate when I was young. On the other hand dividing treats was a big deal between my sister and me, usually resolved by the “I cut you choose” rule.